Made it here...

Firstly, many apologies for the gap in blogging. As you could probably imagine, the last few days before I left were a little on the manic side but the things you need to know are a) to my immense relief I let my flat to a lovely couple who move in on December 1st (or at least I bloody hope they do!) b) I had a leaving do in Richmond and it was lovely to see Ellie, Zoe, Adam, Jenny & Neilon there, so thanks guys and c) Isaac & I successfully met up in LAX airport, had one crazy night/day in LA (and believe me, LA does crazy very very well indeed) and flew on to NZ a week ago. Now having recovered from the jetlag I feel up to giving you a quick update.

So far, to be honest, we've seen very little of NZ. Auckland has been lovely - even Isaac liked it and he hates cities - and we have bought our campervan, a bright orange Toyota Hiace that has yet to be properly christened, in every sense of the word. Any suggestions for names? Isaac suggested Bull because of the old Toyota logo, so I thought Taurus (tour-us) was a good play on words but he just looked at me like I was mad so it seems that's been vetoed. Rusty Griswald has been bandied about but nothing settled yet. The guys before us called it The Phoenix, but we don't want to call it anything they did, because they were, as it turns out, arseholes. They upped the price by $500 hours before we picked it up (I managed to knock $60 off that but boy was I furious) and they took the cigarette lighter plug adaptor that was going to be so useful out of the van before they sold it to us and INSISTED that it was still there and we hadn't looked hard enough when we asked about it. All that and he still said 'So when you're back this way next year and looking to sell, give me a call and I'd be happy to buy it back from you'. Isaac swears he'd rather drive it through his front door. The poor idiot must have forgotten the van came with a set of nunchucks, which Isaac is planning to be proficient with by the time we come back this way...

A few days ago, the day we picked up the van, we drove down to South Auckland - the NZ equivilent of LA's South Central haha - to visit my friend Jude, who I went to Heathside with for a year back when we were 12 and haven't seen since then. Good ol' facebook. She emigrated to NZ a year or so ago with her husband Glynn and we stopped in for dinner - we're still here 3 days later! We've been getting on like a house on fire, they've given us heaps of tips on travelling around the country and free things to see and do, taken us to see Hanua Falls which was beautiful, and it's been a great place to get the van up to scratch. We've been able to sort through every box, drawer, nook and cranny (and that sodding plug adaptor is definitely not there), wash blankets, buy new sheets (because using someone else's, especially blokes' = bleugh), buy power cables (grumble grumble), get our mosquito nets properly set up, fix the heating and generally make it feel like home. Which it now definitely does! Tonight we're planning to do a dry run: we're going to sleep in the van but in Jude & Glynn's driveway, just so we can come in if we have any problems, then tomorrow it's all on for real. We're heading back up north of Auckland to visit our friend John, who worked in rentals at Sunshine Village, for a catch up with him. Then down towards Rotarua, to catch up with another old Sunshine work colleague - IT Benny! Can't wait. In the meantime, being Jude & Glynn has been a real pleasure and we were lucky enough to be here when they became grandparents - their preying mantis, Harold*, gave birth** to baby Charlie. It was a very emotional moment.

*who is technically a girl
**okay, hatched from an egg sack

Hello, is it my flat you're looking for...?

Eight days eight days eight days. I would be so much more excited if I wasn't seriously concerned that my flat is not yet rented, but hey ho. I've got till the end of Nov to find tenants I suppose. Still, if you or anyone you know might be interested in renting it then please let me know asap, because it would sure help me sleep at night...

Other than that, am I the only one who finds this rather amusing?

Yes we can!

It's 4am and I'm very tired but also hugely elated to have seen the election of Barack Obama as President live. Hurray!

Change gear, change gear, check mirror...

Oh for fuck's sake. After Brand/Rossgate, comes Clarksongate. Interesting that both these incidents feature two of my favourite TV personalities of all time* - must say something about my rather sick sense of humour - but I think Jeremy's comments were HILARIOUS and will be seriously pissed off if we get anything like the kind of nonsense we saw a couple weeks ago.

*My fantasy dinner party: Jonathan Ross, Jeremy Clarkson, Stephen Fry and Derren Brown. We'd have curry.

CONGRATULATIONS LEWIS!

Unbelievable finish. Unbelievable.

I am not in the office at the moment...

Oh this is priceless.

Burn them!

I thought that it was time that I finally commented on the huge news story of the week. No, not that one about Ben Fogle contracting a flesh-eating bug, though naturally we all wish him a speedy recovery. No, the ol' Brand & Ross scandal. I must say that I was SHOCKED and HORRIFIED that two COMEDIANS known for their NEAR THE KNUCKLE humour made a PRANK call to a fellow CELEBRITY and said something that might be considered in POOR TASTE and felt COMPELLED to write the BBC immediately.

This I did in fact, so I'd like to think that the fact that Jonathan Ross was not sacked was a direct result of my email asking them not to.

Who'd have thought it, eh? Erm...have you ever actually listened to their shows? Well, to be honest, I've never listened to Russell Brand's, because I'm not really a big fan of his, but I know what kind of humour I might be liable to find should I choose to tune in. I am a long-time listener of JR however and have often marvelled at his ability to say some fairly outrageous things and get away with it. But get away with it he does, because there's absolutely no malice behind what he's saying and he's just so cheeky and likeable (well, to those of us who like him I suppose) that you just can't be cross with him. I remember him interviewing Richard Briers a few years back and practically the whole interview consisted of him making lewd comments about Felicity Kendal and telling Richard that he was so old he was probably going to die any moment. You've never heard anyone giggle so much as Richard Briers did that day.

I'll be honest, I've seen the transcript of the calls they made to Andrew Sachs and they were pretty bad - I'm not surprised Andrew Sachs was rather offended - but whoever decides about these things (the producer of the show I presume), thought it was alright to go out on air anyway. Two listeners of the show even complained about it. Both Brand & Ross wrote letters of apology and sent flowers, as they should have, which Andrew accepted graciously, as he should have. But the ridiculous furore that has resulted from the publicity about it all, and the thousands of complaints received from people who almost certainly did not listen to the show and have probably never listened to the show, made my blood boil. The fact that Gordon Brown (you might have heard of him, he's our Prime Minister apparently) waded in was ludicrous. I'm not that bothered about Brand resigning, as I say I'm not a huge fan, but if JR had been sacked I might well have had to go and throw eggs at something.

Someone I used to know just posted a comment on my facebook page in response to my joining a 'Support Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross' group (well, I felt I had to do something) saying 'I rather think those obnoxious, overpaid, opinionated self-publicists can do without my support, ta very much'. Well, firstly, I never asked him to support them. I never expect anyone to support anything I personally believe in - I may feel the need to vote with my feet (with my Nestle boycott and refusal to buy from Esso for example) but I do not judge others for making different choices to me. Secondly, being obnoxious and opinionated self-publicists is what makes these people interesting and entertaining - it's the reason why we want to watch them (would you prefer it if all presenters were more like, say, Michael Parkinsozzzzzzzzzz oops sorry fell asleep just thinking about him there) and that they're paid so much. Over paid? Possibly, if you compare what they earn to a nurse or a teacher or a fireman, but I don't think it's a fair comparison. Compared to a Premiership footballer? Got yourself a bargain. Compared to the CEO of a large company? Probably about the same, but I'd rather watch 'Friday Night with Jonathan Ross' than 'Friday Night with the CEO of Glaxo Smithkline*', and I'm fairly sure I'm not alone. In fact, the viewer figures suggest I'm not.

So let's not have any of this pitchfork brandishing, burning torch waving, angry mob stupidity over two people doing what is, essentially, their job: entertaining the public by being rude about people.

*This might be unfair, he might be hilarious for all I know.

Cakes and doughnuts

My sweet tooth is getting out of hand. Yesterday Liddi & I spent the afternoon making cupcakes, which were nice but I got the recipe from my friends Jack & Christi (Christi's from New Orleans dontcha know) and the measurements were all in 'cups', as those crazy Yanks tend to do. I tried to convert them online to grams, but have found that you get a different measurement for each website you use - often with wild variation between them! So I've no idea if the quantities I used were right; they didn't rise as much as I was hoping but they tasted nice enough so that's all that matters really. We had fun decorating them and writing all our names on them, although for Isaac I chose instead to do a portrait of him from the time he dyed his hair blond when he was around 13. The resemblance is uncanny and the shade of yellow identical.


Then the other day Liddi revealed to me that she'd never had a Krispy Kreme doughnut*, which is, frankly, criminal. To my horror, a bit of research revealed that the North of England has an extreme dearth of Krispy Kremes, as it turns out Manchester is the only place you can get them up here! We wondered whether we should throw caution to the wind and go there anyway - despite the 2 hour driving time - before realising that I had to go to Manchester anyway today to pick up my sister Toni from the airport! Kismet, surely? So off we trot today.

*why dough-nut do you think? I mean, dough, obviously, but in what sense is it a nut?

Another 'kids say the funniest things' story for you: I was just reading some bedtime stories to my friend Lisa's daughter Maggie, who started school recently. Roald Dahl's Revolting Rhymes, so just as much of a pleasure for me as for her I think! Then she picked up a book with some pictures and simple words in it (head, hand, knee, ball, duck, that sort of thing) and I asked her to read it to me, as she'd just started learning to read. We got to 'cot' followed by 'clock' and, while turning the page, she absent-mindedly said 'cot and clock alliterate don't they?'

Yes, yes they do.

Run Bambi run!

A classic example of children seeing things slightly differently to adults for you: I was watching Bambi with my friend Linda's daughter Chiara, who has just turned 3. You know that bit when Bambi and his mother were running through the forest away from the hunter and you hear that shot ring out, suddenly the mother is no longer behind him and eventually Bambi is told by a stag that appears that his mother can't be with him anymore; it is of course a very sad moment. Chiara turns to me, sadly, and says 'Bambi's mother can't be with him anymore because she's gone to have lunch.'

Take on me

Those of us who were there in the 80s will surely appreciate this.

"Dave Gorman"

I have uncovered two new blogs - or should that be "new" blogs?* - today which have been delighting me. The unexpected adding of a former school friend on good old facebook last night (Hello Jude!) led me to discover you can now become a fan of Dave Gorman's on facebook. Seemed like kismet to me, given that I'd just spend the past three days downloading and watching The Dave Gorman Collection, Dave Gorman's Important Astrological Experiment (DGIAE), Dave Gorman's America Unchained and Dave Gorman's Googlewhack Adventure in order to introduce Isaac to them when we get to NZ. A fan of Dave Gorman I undoubtedly am and I was ready and willing to proclaim this to the world. Or, at least, to the population of facebook.

Incidentally, Dave Gorman has an unusual effect on me. I have now met him twice and both times he literally sucked the personality right out of me. He probably had no idea he was doing it, I'm not blaming him. But both times I met him I instantly became the most boring person who ever existed, because, I'm guessing, I think he's bloody brilliant, I wanted to try to impress him somehow, and so I got total brain freeze. I couldn't think of anything to say. At all. NOTHING. So I tried to tell him I'd seen one of his other shows and got the name wrong. I told him I was Tudor's wife** but he just looked at me as though he felt very sorry for Tudor. Eventually I slunk off, to both our relief.

*sigh*

Anyhoo, back to the story. Dave Gorman's facebook page told me he had a blog. So that was blog number 1 and it's well worth a visit if you, like me, are a fan. The other blog I mentioned is this one***, to which I found a link via Dave Gorman's facebook page. I love it: it appeals to my inner grammar nazi.

*you'll see
**which I was at the time, and Tudor had been the sound supervisor on DGIAE, so it wasn't just a totally random statement
***told you

Me: Doctor doctor, I feel like a wigwam and a teepee...

Doctor: You're too tense [two tents]*

I don't think I've ever felt more stressed than I am just now. It seems strange to me, given that I have, over the past few years, arranged a wedding, got divorced, bought 3 properties, done a midwifery degree, ran a team of teenage pregnancy midwives which was severely depleted, packed up and moved to Canada and dealt with my mother's developing Alzheimer's. And yet at the moment I find myself in a constant state of flux; my jaw aches from clenching my teeth, I have regular headaches, my shoulders are up by my ears, my hands are constantly in fists and I am twitchy and distracted. I have to take a deep breath and force my body to relax every few minutes. I'm not even sure exactly why, I know it's because I'm trying to plan lots of things to do with my up-coming trip (though nearly all my own preparations are complete, I've just got a few things to finish sorting out for Isaac, who is working full-time and has no computer) and I know I'm worried about the money side of things, particularly because I still have no temping work, but why it's affecting me so much physically I don't really know. For the first time in my life, I feel like I really need a massage, rather than just fancy one. Of course I can't bloody afford one!

I'm sure when I actually get on the plane and go, I'll begin to relax and enjoy myself. In fact I can't wait. Being back together with Isaac will help! But for now, I'm trying to find other distractions where possible...

The picture is, in case you're wondering, part of a famous stress test. Stressed individuals might notice some differences between the two dolphins. Personally, I can't see any.

*yes yes, I know

We're having big fun

You know when you go to one of those kid's soft play areas with your own, or a friend's, children and think to yourself: 'That looks like fun. I wish I could have a go'? Well as it turns out, you can.

Last night, for Liddi's birthday treat, a huge hoard of 17/18 year olds turned up at Big Fun in Hull, where we rolled, jumped, climbed, slid and bumped our way through a huge warehouse of soft stuff. Jenny and I joined in the fun, racing round and giggling, and it was only as we ran, gasping, to get a drink at the end that we passed a sign saying 'Children remain the responsiblity of their supervising adults' that we suddenly remembered that that was supposed to be us! Oops. The 'death' slide, which begins with a 7 metre sheer drop, was a particularly terrifying prospect at first. I sat at the top for several minutes saying to the supervising member of staff 'This is ridiculous; I'm not even afraid of heights! I used to climb for a living! Why can't I do this?' but eventually my pride got the better of me and I pushed off. After that, nothing could stop me of course, and I did it around 15 times in all.

Big fun was had by all.

Waiting

I can't pretend it's not slightly torturous waiting to go to New Zealand. I've got seven weeks to go (as from tomorrow) and it seems to be going terribly slowly. When I was waiting to go off to Canada time went so much more quickly because I was working up until 4 weeks before I left, which always helps, and had other things* going on which kept me fully occupied. Now, I'm knocking around Yorkshire, which is lovely in many ways, but given that all my friends live daaarrrn saarf, my social life is limited to my immediate family. Not that they're not lovely, of course. I've applied to do some temping work but as yet, nothing has arisen. There's nothing more irritating than not working, because all you seem to do is spend the money you don't have.

I still have things I need to do with regards to my flat, things I can't do while I'm ooop north, like re-painting my bathroom ceiling (don't have a long enough pole for the roller to do it from here), so all the extra spare time is merely frustrating. I spend my time obsessively going over what I still need to do (but can't just now) and what I need to buy (but can't afford to) and playing around on the internet (obviously). Add to that the fact that I'm missing Isaac like crazy and thought I talk to him every day, it just makes me miss him more and mope around a bit because I can't snuggle up with him to watch a film.

Any suggestions of (free) distractions will be very welcome. For example, I have been downloading English comedy series that I think Isaac will like, such as Green Wing, Black Books and Nathan Barley. Any other essentials you can think of?

*things I do not discuss in such a public forum, sorry about that. Jeez I'm annoying

What. On. Earth. Are these women thinking?

Giving birth to yourself

I can't help but agree that this is the best fancy dress costume of all time.

And oh. Oh. This is utterly excrutiating:



May I just say well done to Hardeep Singh Kohli for maintaining his dignity and only walking out, not decking the guy first...

No getting out of it now...

I'm booked! In eight weeks and one day's time I will be flying from Heathrow to LA to meet up with the lovely lovely Isaac - just can't wait to see him - and after one night there we will be flying on together to Auckland to spend a year travelling and working around New Zealand. We plan to buy a campervan and potter around doing...well, whatever the hell we fancy doing to be honest!

It will be the first time Isaac's been out of Canada (apart from a brief sojourn to Florida when he was a kid*) and I suspect he's going to be getting pretty nervous; he's not the only one. Even though I've essentially done this before in Canada, I'm nervous about how I'm going to cope money-wise (I don't have the same savings as I had before), about how my flat is going to run itself (am renting it out through an agent this time, so no friends in there to make sure it stays nice), how we'll survive living out of a campervan and whether the campervan will break down beyond repair, and about how we're going to find work. But hell, I'm sure we'll be fine, it'll all work out. If I have even half as much fun as I did in Canada, it'll be amazing. And the nice thing is this time I'll be doing it with someone else by my side, someone I love very much, which is fabulous.

Rest assured, gentle reader, I shall keep you informed every step of the way...

*what do you mean, he still is one? Cheeky.

Blank looks

In my many attempts to answer the inevitable question "So, how was Canada?"*, I have found myself describing it as a Year of Blank Looks. Some from me, some from the Canadians, some from other assorted foreigners I have been un/fortunate enough to meet.

The thing is, most of the people I've spent time with have been both a) bleeding foreigners and b) mere fetuses. This makes common points of reference rather tricky. Just yesterday my lovely Canadian friend Janna wrote on Facebook "Oh Mia how I miss you and your outrageous Englishisms...". 'Outrageous Englishisms' in this context meaning saying "I'll pop that downstairs" or "I like your hair in bunches" or "I'll bring my swimming costume".

I'll give you a couple of other examples.

At work, a woman asked me where she should put her harness now she'd finished climbing. I replied "Just bung it over on the red rack" and pointed at said rack. She looked at me, blankly, and said "I have no idea what you just said. But I think I know what you meant by your pointing."

I introduced Isaac & Reilly to the wonderful series Life on Mars, which I'd downloaded on iTunes, and I was very amused to see two teenage Canadian rednecks become obsessed with 1970s Mancunian policing, but found myself having to pause it on a regular basis to try to explain what was being said. "It's 1973, nearly lunchtime, I'm 'aving 'oops" being a classic example.

I was up a tree (working hard, obviously) and saw Josh, a colleague, walking beneath me carrying a black bin bag, collecting rubbish. "Hey Bin Man!" I shouted. Cue blank look. "Bin Man!" I ventured again, in case he hadn't heard me. More blankness. "What?" "Bin Man! You're the bin man. You've got a bin bag. It's a bin bag. A black bin ba...no? No? Erm..." "I've been where?" You see the problem.

*which in reality is as hard to answer as "So, what do you think of oxygen then?" in that you just don't know where to begin

More cowbell

Courtesy of this website, and more time on my hands than I ought be allowed, please let me present you with Flo Rida ft T-Pain singing 'Low' with a subtle 56% More Cowbell and 25% More Christopher Walken:

	Make your own at MoreCowbell.dj

And here is Put Your Hands Up (For Detroit) by Fedde Le Grand with a more daring 93% More Cowbell and 80% Walken (a.k.a. the Hoodoo's theme tune, for those of you who have lived in Banff):

	Make your own at MoreCowbell.dj

A distinct improvement, I'm sure you'll agree.